BAND NAME: Vibrant Life
GENRE: Depressive / Blacknoise / Unblack / Experimental
STATUS: Split up
LOCATION: USA
The artist (myself!) wishes to note: This project has Christian themes and is "unblack" so to speak, but is not entirely meant to be "evangelistic". This project is an expression of personal problems, mental illness etc viewed through the lens of Christianity. Many of the lyrics are personal prayers.
Split up the same day Melancholonoise was released.
Split up the same day Melancholonoise was released.
Lineup:
Nocturnal Iridescence - All instruments, Vocals
Discography:
The Lord Has Dealt Very Bitterly with Me: An 11 Part Prayer of Anger (single, 6 December, 2018, Independent)
Format: Digital / Bandcamp
Stream (OFFICIAL)
Used to be available for download, but the page settings were changed to streaming-only at some point. I forget exactly when I did that. I want to say 2022, but that may well be wrong.
Stream (OFFICIAL)
Used to be available for download, but the page settings were changed to streaming-only at some point. I forget exactly when I did that. I want to say 2022, but that may well be wrong.
It's one long song, but the song is split into 11 parts:
1) Lord, I'm Undone / 2) Comfort Me in Divine Darkness / 3) Shedding Emotional Blood / 4) This Void I Call My Life / 5) Why, Lord? / 6) Bitter Tears I Can't Cry / 7) Cut Me or I'll Cut Myself / 8) Anguish Everywhere / 9) Hurting / 10) This World Needed More of Him, Why Would You Take Him??? / 11) This World Flows by Me like a River... Why Am I Always Alone?
1) The Lord Has Dealt Very Bitterly with Me: An 11 Part Prayer of Anger
20:54, partial lyrics:
"Do not call me Naomi, but call me Mara, for the Lord Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me..." (Ruth 1:20)
What have you done, Lord?!
Why don't you answer?!
Why do You let this bitterness continue?!
I am so tired
And still You don't answer!
You brought nothing but bitterness on this whole situation
(?) suffer (?)
Mental and physical ailments take me down
Will there be no reprieve from this exhaustion?!
I've been hurting for so long and all this (?)
What have you done, Lord?!
Why don't you answer?!
Why do You let this bitterness continue?!
I am so tired
And still You don't answer!
You brought nothing but bitterness on this whole situation
(?) suffer (?)
Mental and physical ailments take me down
Will there be no reprieve from this exhaustion?!
I've been hurting for so long and all this (?)
And now You take the only one I had left!
(?) my friends away again!
(?) my friends away again!
Shedding emotional blood
Only cause I can't bring myself to cut
Why don't You deliver me from this?!
Why?!
(?) this world... is just one abyss... after another...
Walking alone... he brought me back down... to what was left of reality...
Why does it have to feel this hollow?
24 years of this void
He was the only one I could trust
Why?!
(?) this world... is just one abyss... after another...
Walking alone... he brought me back down... to what was left of reality...
Why does it have to feel this hollow?
24 years of this void
He was the only one I could trust
What is it You have done?!
Why haven't You answered our prayers?!
Are You sovereign or aren't You?!
Bring us release!
(?) myself
(?) loneliness
(?) black shadows
Don't leave me hanging (?)
I can't take it anymore
Bring us release!
(?) myself
(?) loneliness
(?) black shadows
Don't leave me hanging (?)
I can't take it anymore
You know how broken I am!
How broken I've been all these years!
Break me or I'll break myself
Cut me or I'll cut myself
Heal me or I'll kill myself
This world... needed more of him... Why (?)
Break me or I'll break myself
Cut me or I'll cut myself
Heal me or I'll kill myself
This world... needed more of him... Why (?)
He was our only reprieve
Is it Your intent to take away everything that brings us any joy at all?!
Cause that's sure all You've been doing!
It's sure all You've been doing...
Cause that's sure all You've been doing!
It's sure all You've been doing...
Are You satisfied that this is my testimony to the world?!
These years of faithful following, to be hurt
In the midst of all this
I know You are sovereign
Still I believe there's a reason behind all this
Will You ever reveal this to us?
Or leave us in misery?
I (?)
So I may (?)
Why it seems to be (?)
Help me (?)
Just leave her alone
Everything leading up to this
It all (?) my spirit (?)
(?)
(?) work with me at all
I'm not perfect
I can't deal with this
I'm breaking
If You care,
Let (?)
In the midst of all this
I know You are sovereign
Still I believe there's a reason behind all this
Will You ever reveal this to us?
Or leave us in misery?
I (?)
So I may (?)
Why it seems to be (?)
Help me (?)
Just leave her alone
Everything leading up to this
It all (?) my spirit (?)
(?)
(?) work with me at all
I'm not perfect
I can't deal with this
I'm breaking
If You care,
Let (?)
If You are truly faithful, then restore us!
It's Just a Phase (demo, 29 January, 2020, Independent)
Format: Digital / Bandcamp
Stream / Download (OFFICIAL)
Format: Digital / Bandcamp
Stream / Download (OFFICIAL)
"Demo title comes from people who criticize teenagers, saying their angst is just a phase. I've been out of adolescence for 7 years now and these feelings haven't changed one bit, and three years ago, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and major depressive disorder. I may have other mood disorders as well. It's not always a phase."
1) Anxiety Weighs Heaviest
9:02, lyrics:
I should have known a long time ago that solitude was my only mortal ally. I walk with God, yet the space occupied by everything else rings ever more hollow. Hollow.
I have always been like a ghost in this world. Going here and there, the wind blowing by with not an eye on me. This maudlin world cycles around the clock... Oh, what a sad, sad clock it is. Judgment comes ever closer.
A forest with no branches to grasp onto. What a foreign concept! It's okay, I'm used to it by now. Just go on wherever you were going. I wonder if this counted for anything. I can contemplate my regrets for years to come.
A foreign world, yet one I was born to. Nothing here ever made sense to me. I barely speak your language. Even now, I can only convey the simplest of thoughts. So forlorn... Can anyone understand this? If anyone could, would they even care?
They come and go... There's nothing new under the sun... It's been this way all along...
More noise to occupy bandwidth on some websites, left to collect dust. What an achievement. Trust me, that breakthrough's just around the corner.
Just leave me in the past. It's where I've always been and maybe always will be. Just go on with your life. Don't climb into this hole. You only think you care. It hurts more than you know. You can't carry this cross. Once you learn who I am, you'll run like everyone else. Just leave. There's no point in any of this but to spread the Gospel in the prayerful hope I can leave this hellhole just a bit better than it was when this started. Don't reply. Don't stay. You wouldn't anyway. No teams, no groups, no sharing of ideas in the warmth of a sunset... Just more vacuous coldness in this desolate nightmare we call earth. I should have known a long time ago that solitude was my only worldly ally. I walk the forests alone. I scroll the internet alone. I record my music alone. I release my music alone. I wallow alone. I shatter alone.
2) Non abscondas a me mandata Tua
3:05, lyrics:
Wistful. A cup full of depression. Dawn and dusk. Mankind and his echoes, those dreadful echoes. Words of philosophy, of entertainment, of cultures... It all rings so empty...
Pater noster qui es in cælis
Incola ego sum in terra
Non abscondas a me mandata Tua
Leave me in the darkness
25 years into this mess. My perspective can change, but this longing doesn't. What is it? A God-given commandment, or a thorn? For so, so long I've yearned for something the world seems unable to give me.
Pater noster qui es in cælis
Incola ego sum in terra
Non abscondas a me mandata Tua
Leave me in the darkness
9:02, lyrics:
I should have known a long time ago that solitude was my only mortal ally. I walk with God, yet the space occupied by everything else rings ever more hollow. Hollow.
I have always been like a ghost in this world. Going here and there, the wind blowing by with not an eye on me. This maudlin world cycles around the clock... Oh, what a sad, sad clock it is. Judgment comes ever closer.
A forest with no branches to grasp onto. What a foreign concept! It's okay, I'm used to it by now. Just go on wherever you were going. I wonder if this counted for anything. I can contemplate my regrets for years to come.
A foreign world, yet one I was born to. Nothing here ever made sense to me. I barely speak your language. Even now, I can only convey the simplest of thoughts. So forlorn... Can anyone understand this? If anyone could, would they even care?
They come and go... There's nothing new under the sun... It's been this way all along...
More noise to occupy bandwidth on some websites, left to collect dust. What an achievement. Trust me, that breakthrough's just around the corner.
Just leave me in the past. It's where I've always been and maybe always will be. Just go on with your life. Don't climb into this hole. You only think you care. It hurts more than you know. You can't carry this cross. Once you learn who I am, you'll run like everyone else. Just leave. There's no point in any of this but to spread the Gospel in the prayerful hope I can leave this hellhole just a bit better than it was when this started. Don't reply. Don't stay. You wouldn't anyway. No teams, no groups, no sharing of ideas in the warmth of a sunset... Just more vacuous coldness in this desolate nightmare we call earth. I should have known a long time ago that solitude was my only worldly ally. I walk the forests alone. I scroll the internet alone. I record my music alone. I release my music alone. I wallow alone. I shatter alone.
2) Non abscondas a me mandata Tua
3:05, lyrics:
Wistful. A cup full of depression. Dawn and dusk. Mankind and his echoes, those dreadful echoes. Words of philosophy, of entertainment, of cultures... It all rings so empty...
Pater noster qui es in cælis
Incola ego sum in terra
Non abscondas a me mandata Tua
Leave me in the darkness
25 years into this mess. My perspective can change, but this longing doesn't. What is it? A God-given commandment, or a thorn? For so, so long I've yearned for something the world seems unable to give me.
Pater noster qui es in cælis
Incola ego sum in terra
Non abscondas a me mandata Tua
Leave me in the darkness
Patriots in the Hands of an Angry God (EP, 11 May, 2020, Independent)
Format: Digital / Bandcamp
Format: Digital / Bandcamp
Stream / Download (OFFICIAL)
More "angry" than "depressive".
1) Patriots in the Hands of an Angry God
10:49, lyrics:
Servants of two masters
The Constitution is not God
See if God defends the Constitution on Judgment Day
See if God accepts your freedom of religion in Hell
See if God cares what the Constitution guarantees when you're dead
America's borders don't extend into Heaven
You'll learn one day that God's rules contradict the Constitution sometimes
And all your "freedom fighting" will have been for nothing
Everything on earth is worthless
Including the rules instituted by mankind
And you'll learn, and you'll pay for defending them
Thus saith the LORD, "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD." (Jeremiah 17:5)
But the thing displeased Samuel, when they said, "Give us a king to judge us." And Samuel prayed unto the LORD. And the LORD said unto Samuel, "Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto thee, for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them, I should not reign over them..." (1 Samuel 8:6-7)
"B-But Lord! T-The first amendment guarantees the freedom of religion, the freedom to assemble! The freedom of speech! We disagree with this rule that You implemented, s-so we're protesting!"
"Lord, MY rights don't go away just because ANOTHER is suffering! My rights are guaranteed!"
Mankind had every chance it could ever want, and it wasted all of them. The world is doomed. Plagues will consume us, strife will consume us, evil will consume us, and we'll have no one but ourselves to blame. We deserve everything we get. There is redemption but mankind will reject it. There is serenity but mankind will reject it. Living in the world and for it. The world is a plague. Thank God every day He doesn't send another flood on you. This is "as the days of Noah". Soon judgment will come... and it'll be much worse than the flood...........
2) Faith in My Fellow Man
8:31, lyrics:
And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. (Genesis 6:5-7)
And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth? And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled. (Revelation 6:9-11)
Judah mourneth, and the gates thereof languish; they are black unto the ground; and the cry of Jerusalem is gone up. And their nobles have sent their little ones to the waters: they came to the pits, and found no water; they returned with their vessels empty; they were ashamed and confounded, and covered their heads. Because the ground is chapt, for there was no rain in the earth, the plowmen were ashamed, they covered their heads. (Jeremiah 14:2-3)
I have sewed sackcloth over my skin and thrust my horn in the dust. (Job 16:15)
10:49, lyrics:
Servants of two masters
The Constitution is not God
See if God defends the Constitution on Judgment Day
See if God accepts your freedom of religion in Hell
See if God cares what the Constitution guarantees when you're dead
America's borders don't extend into Heaven
You'll learn one day that God's rules contradict the Constitution sometimes
And all your "freedom fighting" will have been for nothing
Everything on earth is worthless
Including the rules instituted by mankind
And you'll learn, and you'll pay for defending them
Thus saith the LORD, "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD." (Jeremiah 17:5)
But the thing displeased Samuel, when they said, "Give us a king to judge us." And Samuel prayed unto the LORD. And the LORD said unto Samuel, "Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto thee, for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them, I should not reign over them..." (1 Samuel 8:6-7)
"B-But Lord! T-The first amendment guarantees the freedom of religion, the freedom to assemble! The freedom of speech! We disagree with this rule that You implemented, s-so we're protesting!"
"Lord, MY rights don't go away just because ANOTHER is suffering! My rights are guaranteed!"
Mankind had every chance it could ever want, and it wasted all of them. The world is doomed. Plagues will consume us, strife will consume us, evil will consume us, and we'll have no one but ourselves to blame. We deserve everything we get. There is redemption but mankind will reject it. There is serenity but mankind will reject it. Living in the world and for it. The world is a plague. Thank God every day He doesn't send another flood on you. This is "as the days of Noah". Soon judgment will come... and it'll be much worse than the flood...........
2) Faith in My Fellow Man
8:31, lyrics:
And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. (Genesis 6:5-7)
And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth? And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled. (Revelation 6:9-11)
Judah mourneth, and the gates thereof languish; they are black unto the ground; and the cry of Jerusalem is gone up. And their nobles have sent their little ones to the waters: they came to the pits, and found no water; they returned with their vessels empty; they were ashamed and confounded, and covered their heads. Because the ground is chapt, for there was no rain in the earth, the plowmen were ashamed, they covered their heads. (Jeremiah 14:2-3)
I have sewed sackcloth over my skin and thrust my horn in the dust. (Job 16:15)
Melancholonoise (album, 17 May, 2021, Annihilated Pentagram Productions)
I originally said this would be an EP with 7 songs. It ended up being an album with 8. I also originally planned for this to be released under LAYATS but thought it fit better with Vibrant Life.
I tried to arrange the songs in a way that the songs got progressively more "depressing" in the first half, and progressively more hopeful/optimistic in the second half.
I tried to arrange the songs in a way that the songs got progressively more "depressing" in the first half, and progressively more hopeful/optimistic in the second half.
1) Intro into Depression
5:00, lyrics:
I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm going insane. I have no idea what to do. Everything weighs down on me so badly. The weight on my shoulders drags them down as much as it drags down my sanity. I'm depressed. I'm sitting here again, wondering when something will move forward in my life. You didn't die for this. You didn't rise from the dead for this. I'm such a sinner. I've lost what self control I once had. And it's not for lack of trying - I've tried to let my desires overtake me, resistant to every nudge you gave me in the right direction. Why? Is sin so innate in me that I fail to fully grasp the implications of redemption? I should think not, since the truth has been made so clear to me, and mankind has no excuse. So why have I worked so hard to get to this point? Am I so resistant to letting go of my desires when I know they lead only to pain and destruction? And I drown. I drown into the thick, melancholic mud of this world, dragging me down in my depressed indifference. The jewels of the world don't shine so brightly when you inspect them closer. From a distance things seem so bright, and sin dims them all. Sin dims them all. Don't let it dim me. The harsh light I shined before was better than what I shine now. All of this knowledge, and for what? What is it worth in a heart and mind so corrupt that a whisper from the devil is enough to mislead me again? I pray Lord triune God, I beg for guidance. I pray, I beg for help. Remove this sin. Cut it out of me. Bring me back to where I was - the words I never thought I'd utter. Realizing truth only to backslide into outwardly comfortable lies. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2009 to lead me away from violence. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2012 to be with me and guide me out of atheism. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2014 to guide me away from my occult beliefs and to protect me from hostile spirits. Am I any better now than I was back then? Hardly. Guide me, God, to where you want me to be. It's been so long. I never want to go back again. My life is going in the exact wrong direction. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Help me give my cares and burdens to you again. Take this seemingly endless burden off my shoulders. Amen.
2) FIX ME
6:37, lyrics:
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left be-
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left behind
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left be-
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left behi- i- i- iiiiiind
All the sin that's deep inside, I grow weaker every day
Trying to stand up when all I do is fall and break my legs
All the lust and the wrath in perpetual gluttony
Growing higher to the point I can no longer even see
All the consequences of the things that I know I haven't done
Or the things that I have, they're wrong, every single one
All the peace that I felt is replaced by impatience
Brought on by all the stress that I put upon myself
I have zero restraint, and everything I do shows it
How can I call myself a temple for Your Spirit?
I'm a hypocrite and liar, I no longer want to be
I want to finally fulfill the plans that You made for me
But I know I can't do it, so again to You I pray
Give me a new heart to resist the sin I desire and yet hate
I sit here again confused and broken into pieces, and yet see
That from the shards of my life, You can still make something out of me
3) The Song You Never Wanted Me to Record
7:46, lyrics:
Trapped in a mire of life
Everyone leaves, including You
Pouring the blackness in my soul
I died and You left me there
And it's not for want of trying
I ask for guidance and I still choke
You promise yet I cry alone
Am I in Your kingdom or not?
I feel like I'm failing, I am
I was born in 2014. You rescued me with arms of light and strength. Clothed in Your armor, I found a strength I never knew I had. I rode into battle at once for Your name and glory, and fired off every form of ammunition I had. In 2015, I felt the darkness and asked for Your help. I sank into depression. 2016, I felt utterly lost and asked for answers. You only intervened when I became sick and suicidal. In 2017 I finally found the answers for which I asked in 2016. In 2018 I was ready to stand back up only to be knocked down by grief and loss. And now today, the 11th of March 2019, You do the same again. I believe in You, Your Son, and the Advocate. I can do nothing else, I have seen the truth with my own eyes. But more and more, I feel You don't love me, like this was all a joke. As if it were Your will all along to bring me back down, yet You promise this is not the case. I plead, and don't know what to do. My prayers go unanswered. If you want me, why do you only push me away? I want You. If You want me to spread the Gospel, why do You stop me so many times when I get the chance? Why, Lord?
I don't know what else to say, what else to do
Deep down You know I want to serve You
My feet are slipping into the grave
And You are the only one left who can save
You know I am willing, to sacrifice all
Yet doing the opposite always breaks my fall
You know that I seek You; let me hear Your voice
You know I'm cynical, but don't want that choice
To leave this all behind, to fall in the dark
Where is the light of that first shining spark?
Will sickness and grieving consume all of me?
Or will I step in Your kingdom in love and mercy?
JESUS WEPT
4) Collapse by This Shore (Interlude)
4:18, instrumental
5) Gray Autumn Sky
8:18, lyrics:
In solitude, I seek You
In the green and red and orange
When the sky is gray with clouds
I walk here seeking You,
Renew my spirit
That has been so long plagued
6) Escape - My Only Passion
3:35, lyrics:
My world is bitter, stagnant
My inner yearning grows
Escape - my only passion
Tiredness - all I know
See roads left untraveled
See cities, sun, and rain
Dream of somewhere far away
Dream and hope and pray
7) God Cuts Through the Fog
2:29, lyrics:
I'm 23 but feel more like a thousand
Whatever joy I have, depression surrounds it
Every day, watch it fade, everything that I love
Displays the way the earth pervades different from that of above
Living down here, living in fear, living through every year
Giving my words, watch them unheard, in and out of their ears
I have no tribe, I have no clan, I am a stranger in the land
Everything here is foreign to me, guided now only by God's hand
"Aw crap, what's that, you know I don't want that
I don't want to hear about that God stuff again, take it all back"
Too bad, so sad, I don't care anymore
I'm going to speak even if you get bored
I'm going to shriek even if you ignore
I'm going to preach even if you abhor
I'm going to seek a land where we are worth more
More than we can be down here, down here
Full of fallacies to tickle your ears
Logic is nothing compared to a smile
"Let me tell you what you want, stay awhile"
I'm tired now, I don't want to hear that anymore
I want to hear truth, I'm knocking so open the door
I'm praying so pick me back up off the floor
I'm staying, I'm willing, to change to the core
I've lived in the old ways and seen where they lead
I need to flee, I plea to see, the light shining like an ore
If depression is a river, then pick up the oars
If sin is a stumbling block, then stand up and roar
Be more than you ever could be before
Open your eyes, seek the prize,
Eternal life, fight through the strife
Glory in the teachings and grace of the Lord
8) Outro
2:06, lyrics:
Yo you know, we been here from the start yeah
Now it's time to go to the heart yeah
Dreams fall apart when you don't feel the part
When the martyrs in charge are the harmers of art yeah,
Run out free, go with me to the sea, then you'll see what I mean
When I be totally isolated from our mandated humanity,
What I say it just may be the way we should stay or it may go away
I don't know I just go with the glow like it go in the evening when it sinks
When you're done see the sun final show of the day
As the plants drink in the sunlight, photosynthesis,
Don't you see whom to fight, it's our nemesis,
It's the demons who are being contradictory in our nature and our life,
What we're feeling when we're sealing our beings in a contract out of strife,
Money can't buy happiness but it sure can buy distraction,
In the end it's all that matters when our God calls us to action,
They still out here saying we can't sin,
When it is precisely what they are doing,
Call us sheep you can keep up your sleep
You're not wolves, you are sheep or you're goats
Who are doing the most doing work against us
We're the pack you can't be and we're back can't you see
We can't hide we are seen with our knees in the green
With our hands to the sky with our faith we can't die with the gospel on the scene,
We was lost in the woods now the cost to do good
Is what we never could, that's the reason we should
Look to Christ, He's the leader of the pack
Superceder in the black
The defeater got our back
The computer's been hacked
Now the lights going out, see the stars, see the clouds,
Now so far, you're in doubt
All you are is your clout
Now the hour to shout
With the power about the Messiah going out to the demons all about.
Were alone but now you are not
Take the hand of the Maker of land
Maker of stars and sun
Maker of everyone
Want a spirit guide? You got one one
Who has died and has risen, His name is Jesus
He always sees us
He guides and teaches
Loves us and preaches,
Put aside your idols, let them die,
The true messiah is beyond the sky
Mankind will fail you one day, so will I
But I'm just a servant, I'm not the main guy,
So if you're a loner like me you're a nomad
Made of disgrace is the world that is so bad
Nowhere left in this world that is so sad
Take His hand
He is your heavenly dad, a parent that the world could never be,
A friend to the end that you cannot see,
But you feel and you hear and you know you're not alone,
Jesus Christ finally gave folks like us a home.
5:00, lyrics:
I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm going insane. I have no idea what to do. Everything weighs down on me so badly. The weight on my shoulders drags them down as much as it drags down my sanity. I'm depressed. I'm sitting here again, wondering when something will move forward in my life. You didn't die for this. You didn't rise from the dead for this. I'm such a sinner. I've lost what self control I once had. And it's not for lack of trying - I've tried to let my desires overtake me, resistant to every nudge you gave me in the right direction. Why? Is sin so innate in me that I fail to fully grasp the implications of redemption? I should think not, since the truth has been made so clear to me, and mankind has no excuse. So why have I worked so hard to get to this point? Am I so resistant to letting go of my desires when I know they lead only to pain and destruction? And I drown. I drown into the thick, melancholic mud of this world, dragging me down in my depressed indifference. The jewels of the world don't shine so brightly when you inspect them closer. From a distance things seem so bright, and sin dims them all. Sin dims them all. Don't let it dim me. The harsh light I shined before was better than what I shine now. All of this knowledge, and for what? What is it worth in a heart and mind so corrupt that a whisper from the devil is enough to mislead me again? I pray Lord triune God, I beg for guidance. I pray, I beg for help. Remove this sin. Cut it out of me. Bring me back to where I was - the words I never thought I'd utter. Realizing truth only to backslide into outwardly comfortable lies. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2009 to lead me away from violence. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2012 to be with me and guide me out of atheism. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2014 to guide me away from my occult beliefs and to protect me from hostile spirits. Am I any better now than I was back then? Hardly. Guide me, God, to where you want me to be. It's been so long. I never want to go back again. My life is going in the exact wrong direction. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Help me give my cares and burdens to you again. Take this seemingly endless burden off my shoulders. Amen.
2) FIX ME
6:37, lyrics:
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left be-
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left behind
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left be-
I remember when it started, it felt like a new day
Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain
All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind
Going from hating the past to longing for what's left behi- i- i- iiiiiind
All the sin that's deep inside, I grow weaker every day
Trying to stand up when all I do is fall and break my legs
All the lust and the wrath in perpetual gluttony
Growing higher to the point I can no longer even see
All the consequences of the things that I know I haven't done
Or the things that I have, they're wrong, every single one
All the peace that I felt is replaced by impatience
Brought on by all the stress that I put upon myself
I have zero restraint, and everything I do shows it
How can I call myself a temple for Your Spirit?
I'm a hypocrite and liar, I no longer want to be
I want to finally fulfill the plans that You made for me
But I know I can't do it, so again to You I pray
Give me a new heart to resist the sin I desire and yet hate
I sit here again confused and broken into pieces, and yet see
That from the shards of my life, You can still make something out of me
3) The Song You Never Wanted Me to Record
7:46, lyrics:
Trapped in a mire of life
Everyone leaves, including You
Pouring the blackness in my soul
I died and You left me there
And it's not for want of trying
I ask for guidance and I still choke
You promise yet I cry alone
Am I in Your kingdom or not?
I feel like I'm failing, I am
I was born in 2014. You rescued me with arms of light and strength. Clothed in Your armor, I found a strength I never knew I had. I rode into battle at once for Your name and glory, and fired off every form of ammunition I had. In 2015, I felt the darkness and asked for Your help. I sank into depression. 2016, I felt utterly lost and asked for answers. You only intervened when I became sick and suicidal. In 2017 I finally found the answers for which I asked in 2016. In 2018 I was ready to stand back up only to be knocked down by grief and loss. And now today, the 11th of March 2019, You do the same again. I believe in You, Your Son, and the Advocate. I can do nothing else, I have seen the truth with my own eyes. But more and more, I feel You don't love me, like this was all a joke. As if it were Your will all along to bring me back down, yet You promise this is not the case. I plead, and don't know what to do. My prayers go unanswered. If you want me, why do you only push me away? I want You. If You want me to spread the Gospel, why do You stop me so many times when I get the chance? Why, Lord?
I don't know what else to say, what else to do
Deep down You know I want to serve You
My feet are slipping into the grave
And You are the only one left who can save
You know I am willing, to sacrifice all
Yet doing the opposite always breaks my fall
You know that I seek You; let me hear Your voice
You know I'm cynical, but don't want that choice
To leave this all behind, to fall in the dark
Where is the light of that first shining spark?
Will sickness and grieving consume all of me?
Or will I step in Your kingdom in love and mercy?
JESUS WEPT
4) Collapse by This Shore (Interlude)
4:18, instrumental
5) Gray Autumn Sky
8:18, lyrics:
In solitude, I seek You
In the green and red and orange
When the sky is gray with clouds
I walk here seeking You,
Renew my spirit
That has been so long plagued
6) Escape - My Only Passion
3:35, lyrics:
My world is bitter, stagnant
My inner yearning grows
Escape - my only passion
Tiredness - all I know
See roads left untraveled
See cities, sun, and rain
Dream of somewhere far away
Dream and hope and pray
7) God Cuts Through the Fog
2:29, lyrics:
I'm 23 but feel more like a thousand
Whatever joy I have, depression surrounds it
Every day, watch it fade, everything that I love
Displays the way the earth pervades different from that of above
Living down here, living in fear, living through every year
Giving my words, watch them unheard, in and out of their ears
I have no tribe, I have no clan, I am a stranger in the land
Everything here is foreign to me, guided now only by God's hand
"Aw crap, what's that, you know I don't want that
I don't want to hear about that God stuff again, take it all back"
Too bad, so sad, I don't care anymore
I'm going to speak even if you get bored
I'm going to shriek even if you ignore
I'm going to preach even if you abhor
I'm going to seek a land where we are worth more
More than we can be down here, down here
Full of fallacies to tickle your ears
Logic is nothing compared to a smile
"Let me tell you what you want, stay awhile"
I'm tired now, I don't want to hear that anymore
I want to hear truth, I'm knocking so open the door
I'm praying so pick me back up off the floor
I'm staying, I'm willing, to change to the core
I've lived in the old ways and seen where they lead
I need to flee, I plea to see, the light shining like an ore
If depression is a river, then pick up the oars
If sin is a stumbling block, then stand up and roar
Be more than you ever could be before
Open your eyes, seek the prize,
Eternal life, fight through the strife
Glory in the teachings and grace of the Lord
8) Outro
2:06, lyrics:
Yo you know, we been here from the start yeah
Now it's time to go to the heart yeah
Dreams fall apart when you don't feel the part
When the martyrs in charge are the harmers of art yeah,
Run out free, go with me to the sea, then you'll see what I mean
When I be totally isolated from our mandated humanity,
What I say it just may be the way we should stay or it may go away
I don't know I just go with the glow like it go in the evening when it sinks
When you're done see the sun final show of the day
As the plants drink in the sunlight, photosynthesis,
Don't you see whom to fight, it's our nemesis,
It's the demons who are being contradictory in our nature and our life,
What we're feeling when we're sealing our beings in a contract out of strife,
Money can't buy happiness but it sure can buy distraction,
In the end it's all that matters when our God calls us to action,
They still out here saying we can't sin,
When it is precisely what they are doing,
Call us sheep you can keep up your sleep
You're not wolves, you are sheep or you're goats
Who are doing the most doing work against us
We're the pack you can't be and we're back can't you see
We can't hide we are seen with our knees in the green
With our hands to the sky with our faith we can't die with the gospel on the scene,
We was lost in the woods now the cost to do good
Is what we never could, that's the reason we should
Look to Christ, He's the leader of the pack
Superceder in the black
The defeater got our back
The computer's been hacked
Now the lights going out, see the stars, see the clouds,
Now so far, you're in doubt
All you are is your clout
Now the hour to shout
With the power about the Messiah going out to the demons all about.
Were alone but now you are not
Take the hand of the Maker of land
Maker of stars and sun
Maker of everyone
Want a spirit guide? You got one one
Who has died and has risen, His name is Jesus
He always sees us
He guides and teaches
Loves us and preaches,
Put aside your idols, let them die,
The true messiah is beyond the sky
Mankind will fail you one day, so will I
But I'm just a servant, I'm not the main guy,
So if you're a loner like me you're a nomad
Made of disgrace is the world that is so bad
Nowhere left in this world that is so sad
Take His hand
He is your heavenly dad, a parent that the world could never be,
A friend to the end that you cannot see,
But you feel and you hear and you know you're not alone,
Jesus Christ finally gave folks like us a home.
____________________________
NotOnMA, ArtistConfirmed, SimilarTo
Miscellaneous stuff:
Various unused things in my folders.
Left: Concept for something I might still do later on, under a different name. Original picture [here].
Right: Unused logo concept I made using that "XXII Ultimate-Black-Metal" font.
Left: Original version of the "It's Just a Phase" artwork
Right: Adapted from "Patriots in the Hands of an Angry God". I don't remember what I was going to do with it.
All the sin I held inside still dwells within my broken heart
And every day I feel it tearing my heart more apart
The hope I felt at the beginning feels so distant now
Yet still I know inside You can deliver me somehow
I'm so weak in my sin I tremble at the pain inside
Unsure of what to do or where to go I turn and hide
In sin, instead of the comfort that I know You provide
Take all I am, renew me and my soul for which You died
2) Lyrics for a song I was going to do under Vibrant Life, but didn't. I will most likely use them in another project, but just in case I don't, here they are:
The self-mocking ways of humanity drag them down
Society claims to love figures like Martin Luther King
There are many more aching to rise up, but they can't
Because they buy into your propaganda of,
"It's not the big, world-changing things you do,
but rather, the small, everyday things you do!"
"We already have astronauts and presidents;
instead, we need people to work at factories!"
The bleak unchanging vista of mankind
The world hasn't changed one bit since Sodom and Gomorrah
It's all the same, dressed up in different fashion and slang words
Watch your precious circus box
While the world around you is dying
Watch your precious circus box
While the world around you is dying
"There's nowhere left to go. Just lay down and cry."
Evermore bleak, evermore nihilistic
Perpetually wondering why they're all sick
Evermore bleak, evermore nihilistic
Perpetually wondering why they're all sick
Don't you see out your own window?
Don't you feel in your own heart?
No...
Just read these lyrics and mock them for being "whiny"
Just mock me for having my head in the clouds again
For a species so bent on Darwinistic views of "survival",
... humanity sure loves suffering and dying!
Similar to: [SECULAR] Comforting, Abruptum, Kosmokhaos, The LARVAE Group, ØØPart, Liturgy (USA), [CHRISTIAN] Ambianicnoise, Frostnoise, early O Majestic Winter, Cautionary Tale, Asperger Syndrome, "7 Deadly Sins"-era Timōrātus, Cryptic Rising, Lidande
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